Re: 被動

long time ago never listen this song...
Today... just out of sudden i heard this song...

我可以很久不和你聯絡
任日子一天天這麼過

讓自己忙碌可以當作藉口
逃避想念你的種種軟弱

我可以學會對你很冷漠
為何學不會將愛沒收

面對你是對我最大的折磨
這些年始終沒有對你說

愛你越久我越被動 祗因你的愛居無定所
是你讓我的心慢慢退縮 退到你看不見的角落

愛你越久我越被動 祗因我的愛不再為你揮霍
是我讓我的心失去自由 卻再也沒有勇氣放縱

Re: Coffee and Cigarettes

Rain... Keep on falling down lately.

Remind me i had been gone throught those cold and wet season...
From the bottom of my heart.. even throught out the period of time.

I am not a regular smoker... but i do smoke lately.
Maybe the raining session? or maybe something elsa?

I am not a regular coffee drinker... but i had a cup of white coffee everyday.
Why? I have no idea...

I ask myself why now a day i get addicted with coffee and cigarette lately?
I not use to it for last time, not even single sip or a puff.
But lately... just try to release myself for a moment.

For cigarette, maybe just this period of time...
After all i can stop for never smoking again.. this one for sure i know myself.

For coffee, i don't know...
I never try this one before...

I remember i watch an award winner movie before "Coffee and Cigarettes"...

Directed by Jim Jarmusch, 2003.

Whole movie shoot in black and white,
Yet, only seeing people sitting down in the coffee shop,
having a conversation with each other, a cup of coffee and holding a cigarette in another hand.

just a daily life what is happening around in the corner. that's all.

This movie is so artistic...

Don't expect have a big action pack or superb story hidden in the script.
Just have an idea what is going on between person to person on the coffee table throught out the conversation and talking.

This movie, it might be very boring to some body...
But for me... those session might be happen to you someday.
you might even never realize it just happen to you.
It just a normal daily life in and out in your day.

Over the time when i write this blog,
I almost finish a cup of rich and creamy white coffee...

Outside...
Rain still keep on falling down.

Re: Christmas

聖誕節

我住的城巿從不下雪
記憶卻堆滿冷的感覺

思念的旺季　
霓虹掃過喧嘩的街
把快樂趕得好遠

落單的戀人最怕過節
只能獨自慶祝儘量喝醉

我愛過的人　
沒有一個留在身邊
寂寞它陪我過夜

Marry Marry Christmas
Lonely Lonely Christmas

想祝福不知該給誰
愛被我們打了死結

Lonely Lonely Christmas
Marry Marry Christmas

寫了卡片能寄給誰
心碎的像街上的紙屑

電話不接　不要被人　
發現我整夜都關在房間

狂歡的笑聲　聽來像哀悼的音樂

眼眶的淚　溫熱凍結　
望著電視裡的無聊節目

癱在沙發上　變成沒知覺的植物

誰來陪我過這聖誕節...

Re: Shadow

When I see "Shadow"... it only reminds me unhappiness, darkness, sorrow and a reflection image.

What is the meaning for you?

Long time ago, I walk from the darkness, behave the sorrow along the time…

Just like you…

Suffer the pain I never had before…
Suffer the loneliness I never face before…
Scare of people… Scare of myself.

Always scare to facing the facts… don’t wish to tell the feeling to the world…
Just wish to put it into the place that deep inside my heart.
Cover with depression, conceal with the broken heart.
Let the pain burn my soul… let the sadness torture my spirit.
Avoid everything and evade anything.

Especially myself.

From the time, only understand and sense the mono tone surround within my world.
The darkness shadow covers the entire life and block out the meaningless of life.
It make me weak… it make me wear out.
It makes me exhausted.

Always carry the “Shadow”… I felt myself so tired. So lonely.

Mind set always recall the moment that cherish between myself and the other.
Just make me more dislike to break off with the memories.
Just make me disagree the fact is true.
Just make me can’t help myself.

I cry… I sorrow…

Some one say, I lost out the real person of myself.
Never see me fall down so hard, not even stand up with my bare feet.
Or, push up and sustain my body balance when I down to earth.

People worry, people pay serious attention…
I am still suffering the pain within my soul.

Time passer by…
Leave only the fact that I need to outward to be with…
Unwillingly to let it be…
Offering resistance to believe…

Same like you…

Lack of the confidence and faith with love…
Absence my trust to life and some one…
Uncertainty on the integrity of belief to everyone else...

Just wish that is the end of my time…
Down to six feet under… bury myself forever.

But, do you understand how does it feel when some one is care about you?

I only selfish to apply the pain to some one who loves me…
Just like using a knife stab into the heart, torn up the soul from the body…
Penetrate the mortal and let it bleed to dead…
Make other people soul cry in helpless.

Just like you at this moment…

When I knew, the shadow still attached within your soul.
Covering your heart and recall all your sadness memories…
Let yourself hard to leave it alone…
Even the truth is acceptable with you mind.

Do you know how I feel?

I understand myself if never pull out from the darkness… I will be forever trap inside the evil soul…
I don’t wish to see myself like that… even bare in front your eyes…
I don’t wish to see you cry… cry for my soul.

I try so hard to let myself free…
Free from the darkness… leave the sorrow away and leave it to the shadow.

Let the shadow carry away… carry away all my misery and pain.
I wish to walk away from the darkness, waiting the new light shine upon myself…
If anything happen, will only let it be wait over here…
In the room of my heart, wait for me like a stone…

I try so hard to do that…

Just wish the room forever close deep inside my soul.
Never will be review or expose any more.
The door will shut, shut with the key from my heart.
Seal up the room and never let the light reach over here forever.

Let the darkness band with the shadow.
Let the shadow melt into the darkness.

Depart the shadow forever…

Visible in my outward appearance…
Only let your love warmth beneath my heart.
Let the time be my counterpart and heal my scar.

I know is hard to move past… but once I be through to the moment.
I set my soul free.

I believe it…

With your shadow, I hope you can submerge the pass into the room that I mention before, seal the shadow within the room…
Let the darkness band with your shadow… let the shadow melt into darkness.

Only you can help yourself within your heart… I only can wait for you at the surface and help you out from there.
Once you are out from the past, I can let my light shine upon you.
Not using my light to cast the shadow behind of you.

I am not the substitute of the shadow… I am not the alternate of the darkness.

I am jealous…
When you set the appearance in a similar for standing with me to your shadow…

I am reluctant that you are commemorating the past of it…
I am be discordant what you think of me and confront myself with it…
I am strongly guard and scramble when you compensate me…

But I only silent myself and let you feel I am not like that…
Just wish you to feel I am there for you…
No matter how, No matter when, No matter where…
I just be there for you.

Last…

Wish you understand and conceive what ever you have at this moment…
Cherish what you have… Cherish what you own…
With my love, I am asseveration for you…
Pledge my heart and soul for you ever after.

With Love,
Love only you forever.

Re: Fear

Never set a sleep for whole night long…
I almost forget how many shot of vodka I had been taken…

Just smudge with dazzle and psychotically tired over my mind.
Only know sitting in front of my note book and write down all my feeling…
I wish to tell you about my feeling…
But I don’t dare to talk to you.

Mind set and my heart has been block out with emotional matter, feel so bad and torment with myself…

I am so scared…

What I had been done? Why?...

Went for a walk in the middle of the night…
Just can’t felt myself in the darkness on the road.
I am felt cold and lonely in the dark.
I felt abandoned…

Where are you?

I just can’t help myself.

Re: Alone

"和你在一起之后...
我感觉很累...
我真的累了."

Every time…
When i heard about this... Do you know how I feel?

Let me tell you how I feel.

I feel aversion with the moment when I sit alone to have my meal.
I feel aversion with the moment when I walk in the street.
I feel aversion with the moment when I open my eyes in the morning.
I feel aversion with the moment when the night is fall.
I feel aversion with the moment when I need some one to talk to.
I feel aversion with the moment when I need a hand to hold.

I repugnance all the moment when I just realize I am alone by myself.

I hostility toward those feelings…
I hostility toward those moments…

I hate my loneliness… I hate my solitary.

I hate myself.

Re: Star

I sit near the window… Look up upon the sky..
I can see many stars from the window…
They follow me along the way, along my way back..

The sky is so clear… and I saw some star was so bright and so nice… They seem like smile to me and wish to talk to me…

Out of sudden…
I ask myself.. can I reach them?
Isn’t they very far away from me?
But they seem like so close to me…

And I wish to..
I can be with those star now…

just wish myself is there...

Re: Christmas Tree

Last year...
23/11/2005...

I happen to pass by with a christmas tree...
I took a picture and post it over my blog.

And i write...

"Last time, I do filming a special person setting up the first christmas tree. But now... Everything seem like memory. "

"Christmas is around the corner.. I am still not ready for it."

This year...
21/11/2006...

I also pass by the same places with another christmas tree...
I took another picture...

And I write...

"Is about a year already...
everything seem like yesterday but my heart is too tired to remember what is going over the pass.
Too long and too hard to remember...
And i choose not to recall... not to remember..."

"Life is hard for me pass two years...
But i already choose to take it's own to live over the time...
Pain in the heart is no longer apper... Shodow in my mind already misfire..."

"What elsa i just waiting for?
Christmas is around in the corner again...
Am i ready for it?"

I only can standing over here and wait for my answer...

Last...

"It seem like yesterday... but it take more than a day for myself to realize i was walk over so far out...
Looking up with the christmas tree top... i can see the star were by for me."

Re: Late Night

Lately,

Always working very late for past few days…
Rushing out with some project, be alone in the office.

Xiangnan Primary School – Studio Set Up Project
Zhonghua Primary School – Proposal Setting Up Studio
Northbrook Secondary School - Proposal Setting Up Studio
Greendale Secondary School - Proposal Setting Up Studio
River Valley Primary School – School Video Award
Singapore Sports School – DVD authoring project
CHIJ Toa Payoh Secondary - School Video Award
CHIJ St Nicholas Secondary Girl School - School Video Award

Normal ICC Club training
Support ANL Multimedia Educator - School Video Award

What else I miss out from the list?

All those job load really killing me… I am really cannot feel myself for some moment.
Already two weeks never going back KL… miss out the time with Yuki.

Everyday in and out… non stop “action” pack work load fill up my time.
Mobile keep on ringing and ringing…
From sale team to school admin, from PET team to Multimedia educators…
I almost can’t remember how many phone call in a day!

SMS, Miss call… and unfinished e-mail line up and wait for me to respond…
God… just wish to get myself out of the heavy job load.

Work late in the office… sometime I ask myself… Why I am always so busy compare with some PET team member? Some of them finish and have a good rest before sunset of the day… enjoying the quality time the family and love one.

Where is my time?

Or maybe I am just stay alone in Singapore?

I just wish myself can have some time with my love one… can I ?

I been work in ANL already one year… from normal training work until settle the big project with school, most likely I am just handle by alone.
Pulling out all my energy to support the ops in the team, just make myself more tired than I work in Malaysia.

What I am looking for at this moment? Hopefully I just get it dome step by step… and one step at a time.

Look back all the time I had been walk through… just like a sea wave pulling up and down in my time line.
Sadness and happiness always slip it away from my space… the space in my mind and heart. And I am glad I am still have the passion and energy walk all alone until here.

Don’t dare to wish more… hopefully after the Xiangnan Primary School projects… wish to get myself off for some time.

What I am going to do… I just don’t wish to know… just let it be. Be the way I hope.

Re: When September Ends

Summer has come and past,
The innocent can never last,
Wake me up when September ends.

Like my fathers come to pass,
Seven years has gone so fast,
Wake me up when September ends.

Here comes the rain again,
Falling from the stars.
Drenched in my pain again,
Becoming who we are.

As my memory rests,
But never forgets what I lost,
Wake me up when September ends.

Summer has come and past,
The innocent can never last,
Wake me up when September ends.

Ring out the bells again,
Like we did when spring began,
Wake me up when September ends.

Here comes the rain again,
Falling from the stars.
Drenched in my pain again,
Becoming who we are.

As my memory rest,
But never forgets what I lost,
Wake me up when September ends.

Summer has come and past,
The innocent can never last,
Wake me up when September ends.

Like my fathers come to pass.
Twenty years has gone so fast.
Wake me up when September ends.

When I saw this MTV, it reminds me something…

If…

if you have some one who you love..
And you know your love is in danger and away from you…
What is you first reaction when you heard about it?

Do you worry about your love one?
Do you wish yourself will be the one at her side at that moment?
Or...
You just wish yourself is her and let you suffer the pain?

Open your palm and see...
Did you see she is there for you?

Re: Move Past

1 year…
48 weeks…
365 days…
8760 hours…

How many moments I just be through?

Look back the first year of anniversary work with ANL…
Felt like yesterday…

From the first day join in the dept…
I start to make my assent with my job, teaching my skill set with knowledge...
Once time pass by, I seem to realize myself had a passion within.

Until when I am taking a chance to lead a team for training support…
Facing some challenge within the team, strength out with the work force and
technical support with manpower.
But with all those problem align with my direction…
I just wish myself can encore my ability to accomplish the task.

Aftermath with some team member from the pass… I had learned some good for myself.
I try not to be a soul in the team but wish to light up the path with my mate.
If I can stagnation what I can provide… I might make some marvel over the time.

I am look forward another year in the job…
since I can see the surplus of my work.
With passion and confidence, I wish to lead my knowledge to another era in the time.
Elsa… just enjoy my work ! :D

Re: Recurrence of time.

Lately,

Few people leaving ANL for better job opportunity, for me, I am just move past my first year anniversary in ANL.

Just had sad and mournful feeling when J tells me she is leaving…
Out of moment, refresh of all the memories over the year…

Blessed moment…
Distemper stage of feeling…
Amity of touch…
Pursue of mistake…

All of those conscious and perception feeling is up streaming in to my heart.
Don’t know what to say... Even don’t know what to do…

Just blank my mind for that moment.

Sure I am going to be missing out all of those moments to be with J.

Over here, I just wish J will be having a better life hereafter…

J… always remember…

“Just be yourself… live through with passion over your life…
Treasures and precious all you have at the moment when you own it… don’t leave it behind for any reason. Be strong… and always be yourself.”

J... Thanks for everything.

Re: Almost

Lately...

Sense the year end is come to my foot step...
This two year really heppen quite lots of things...
Seem like myself is adequate with what i needs but just not enough time to react...
I am feel happy cos i am still here for my living.

Wish me well.

See J write something about Happy and Unhappy in the life...
Really like to see J felt happy more than unhappy...
And wish J have a good relationship after all...
Really felt good with J's feeling now :-)

Wish J well.

Look back i almost work in ANL about a year...
Work seem like never end but i do give myself a break.
Long life, long way...
So far so good thats all i can say...

Almost.. almost...
See how is the path lead me in...
Now... don't have the feeling to enrage with sollow any more.
Or myself lost all the sense about it?

I have no idea with it.

Re: God Way

If there is a heaven...
Everyone is laughing...
Which you can breathe...
And your respiration might deep even just for that...

This country which getting darker and darker...
Night train fall within which stop running...
He is tried us which asking all eternity questions quietly...

Well...It's this the way it will be?
I am wonder why i am being able to tie up over here.

God Way...

p/s: A girl who write this song name Saori.

Re: Who are They?

Sat...

Sit in Office and do the paper work... felt lonely.
Nothing to do by just pass my time.

See E walk in around one... so suprises to see her around in office at this hour.
She just rush her project... so happy to see her around. :-)

and she pass me one of the song i look for long time ago.

Jem - They

Who made up all the rules
We follow them like fools
Believe them to be true
Don't care to think them through

And I'm sorry so sorry
I'm sorry it's like this
I'm sorry so sorry
I'm sorry we do this

And it's ironic too
Coz what we tend to do
Is act on what they say
And then it is that way

And I'm sorry so sorry
I'm sorry it's like this
I'm sorry so sorry
I'm sorry we do this

Who are they
And where are they
And how can they possibly
know all this
Who are they
And where are they
And how can they possibly
know all this

Do you see what I see
Why do we live like this
Is it because it's true
that ignorance is bliss

Who are they
And where are they
And how do they
know all this
And I'm sorry so sorry
I'm sorry it's like this

p/s: Thx E ! :D

Re: Doesn't Remind Me Anything

I walk the streets at night till I get lost
Cause it doesn't remind me of anything

With a grave yard carrying me a cross
Cause it doesn't remind me of anything

I am studying faces in streets or sidewalk
Cause it doesn't remind me of anything

I like riding fast in the dark
Cause it doesn't remind me of anything

I like throwing my voice and punchs
Cause it doesn't remind me of anything

I am taking more shots of vodka
Cause it doesn't remind me of anything

I crying alone when i felt sad...
If it doesn't remind me of anything

The things that I've loved the things that I've lost
The things I've held sacred that I've dropped

I won't lie no more you can believe
I don't want to learn what I'll need to forget

Re: ill

Last week, After friday night have supper with James in Toa Payoh...
When back home and feel not so good..

Wondering might be food poisoning... But the stomach is ok.
just feel uncertain...

Middle of the night, wake up few time cos cannot sleep well...
Gastric attack !!

Rolling into bed.. up and down... really feel myself "dieded" !!
Wake up and make myself "vomit"...
I tell you... that is the most hard time for myself.

Really feel want her to be with me that moment... miss her so much !

After that... wake up in the morning and when down to Victoria JC for training AFX.
Whole morning really make me sick.. really dont feel myself for the training session.
But finally i can finish the session with my student.

when back to home and accidentally fall sleep in the sofa...
Sleep until myself also dont know what time is it...
Day and night... the moment i wake up.. i just realize myself in late everning.

After two days... Same things happen again.. this two days i just take care myself and dont dare eat lots of oily food. but... stupid gastric attack again!!

Pay a visit to doctor... after take out the medicine...
Same things... Sleep for whole day...

From that moment.. i am realize... Sick is not a problem, but when you sick and you are alone...
Really feel inessential moment for myself. feel so sad....

Just wish her be with me at that moment... but so sad.
She not with me.

Re: Antithesis the times - Year 2006

09/08/2006

Wake up early in the morning... when open my eyes, realize time was pass by so fast...
Another indefinite long period have gone and slip away from me to her…

Sitting alone in the living room, television shows up the boring TV show for entertainment.
No inobtrusive what is showing on television but feel the room is very quiet at this moment.

Mindset still full of memories on this day in 2005…
The moment she walks away… the period she leaves me alone here…

Deep in my heart still wonder… if I have chance, will I going to change everything?

I afraid not…

Decided to write this on my blog to expression my feeling now…
Show the contrast between the time, the moment and the feeling from this day…

Realize that is no just myself or her can make this happen, we need each other to make this happen over the time… they have the chain reaction or factor within our disintegration.

I might induces her and lead this happen to us…
Or her just influences to me and she decided to leave me?

I don’t wish to find out this reason any more…

Pass over this years, a lots of things happen, I am glad I am still standing here with myself and wishful some one who help me a lots over the time…

From deepest of my heart… Thank you very much for every one who helps me until this moment.

Now… is myself how to lead the way until end of my time.

Sitting in front of my notebook to finish this blog... apprehend to see how is my day will go on...
Last memories will not affect my emotion any more... that is for sure...

"just wish the time can heal and need time to recover the spiritual wholeness"

Re: Antithesis the times - Year 2005

09/08/2005

Wake up in the morning... having an affinity intimacy with her for whole night, feel tired but both of us is happy cos need prepare to have wedding photo session with her in ipoh.

Finally the time is come... but for her she is abit upset about my new hair cut last two days is not so nice for the wedding photo session.

I just ask her... "isn't have a new outlook will be nice? why not don't give it a try?"

She confuse and show up not meaningful expression on her face... she urging...

We have a nice shopping in Ikea for some stuff in our house... some how just received her brother call up and will have a meeting for lunch in Ikea. and the brother say whether she will follow him back to Singapore when he is driving back.

For her, she still have another day holiday and she have a bus ticket leaving KL by tomorrow night.. I ask her...

"if you not happy about my new outlook, why we just wait for another two or three more week for the wedding photo session? we still have lots of time for the wedding photo session since our wedding day is fall on first of Jan next year."

"Since than... you can spend a day more with me for the holiday than you go back to Singapore by tomorrow."

"No need to rush back then.." i ask her to stay with me...

But with her brother keep on asking her follow him and return the bus ticket and get refund.

She start to showing up unhappiness over her face...
She is confuse... she is not happy... i realize over the time.

Finaly with her brother annoy nagging, she decide to go back and ingore my wishes...

"The wedding photo session is hold up... She and me will getting alone for another day even we have time and chance to be together..."

Last, seeing her last moment from the back...
And she is forever after all leaving me alone here.

Re: Sold Team

So Far...
That is no right or wrong with this moment...
Is only left the distinction from yourself and characterized by its own.

Why need to be this?
Isn't about your exaggerated sense of self-importance? or I can say it was your appropriate pride in oneself?

I just leave this for you all to find out the answer by yourself. Or...
Just ask this to yourself...

Seem like you all never care about the soul and passion within the team...
Is very hard for me I can do anything any more over here...

You are young... you have your ego... you have your ambition...
You can do anything you like... no one can stop you.
Try your best to achieve what you deserve by yourself.
I lost my solicitude and grief for this any more.

With the soul and passion.. it only can drive our vision together...
And set our spirit free from the immortal and move on to another...

But now... i just wish myself to be free out of all this...
I don't wish to care any more...

I am not deserve it.

"With your pride and manner, i wish to exchange and rid it when it hurt me...

With your ego and selfish, i wish to sell it to protect my self-esteem...

With your irresponsible and doltish, i wish to burn it when the time is come...

With your malevolent and severe reprimand, I decide to sold the team spirit to devil...

and make the suffer for you but me."